A society is defined by who they worship.

For the Greeks, it was the almighty Zeus, the alluring Aphrodite, the hardworking Hephaestus. The Egyptians prostrated before the thoughtful Thoth, the honorable Horus, the nurturing Nephthys. The Norse prayed to the omniscient Odin, the beloved Baldr, the hasty Hermod.

All of those pagan deities cower in fear of the divine beings that walk amongst us lowly mortals today: celebrities.

Taylor Swift

How could the atrocious Aphrodite ever compete with the talented Taylor Swift? They are not in the same universe, much less the same league. Everywhere Mother goes, she brings beauty and prosperity. Aphrodite could never.

Our queen is so generous that she even blesses the men in her life with her presence. I’m not sure what she saw in the malicious Matty Healy, but knowing her, she was probably teaching that abomination of a man a lesson in respect. I mean, what other reason could she have for dating that monster? She would never date a man who has said such horrible things because she liked him. I would know, I’m very familiar with all of her songs.

Thankfully, the next man lucky enough to be graced with a relationship with T-Swizzle, was lovable himbo Travis Kelce. This unknown football player suddenly rocketed to international fame just by dating Tay Tay (the Super Bowl clearly doesn’t hold a candle to the popularity of the Queen of Music). He should be eternally grateful that his mortal life was elevated to such holiness. If he ever does anything to hurt our precious baby, I swear that I, and other Swifties, will hop on the field and tackle him personally.

Of course, that pales in comparison to what I would do if I got my hands on a certain controversial rapper.

Kanye West

Man, the genius and sophisticated artistry of my boy Kanye is unmatched. He’s the only one that makes music for my beautiful dark twisted reality.

He isn’t like all these other lame celebrities. He keeps it real. He’s a narcissist. He’s a jerk. He’s a god. He’s just like me, for real!

His genius isn’t as appreciated as it should be. This generation is too soft, bro. People can’t separate the art from the artist. Like, who cares if he said extremely antisemitic things? He made “Graduation.” Who cares if he wore a “White Lives Matter” t-shirt? He made “The College Dropout.” Who cares if he said slavery was a choice? He made “The Life of Pablo.” No cap, Kanye isn’t even wrong with his takes–unless he is–but y’all ain’t ready for that conversation.

That Taylor chick needs to realize that Yeezus was actually doing her a favor when he interrupted her speech at the VMA’s. He made her famous. I mean, there’s no way that chick could’ve been famous without that incident. She was at the VMA’s, but that’s probably a coincidence. If I didn’t hear about her before Kanye, then she probably wasn’t that famous.

Even if Kanye didn’t make her famous, he was still right to interrupt her. My glorious king saw into the future and foresaw that the world would end in fiery destruction if he didn’t cause some drama. If he and that chick weren’t in the news, then the Martians wouldn’t know that Earth is Ye’s territory. They woulda conquered us with their massive space lasers and spaceships. Thankfully, the incident with that chick saved humanity from a deadly alien invasion.

On gang, Ye could solo the alien army, but he ain’t the only one. A certain eccentric billionaire would stand on business too.

Elon Musk

“Small man hiding behind a computer screen. Take that away, who are you?”

Heh. *Pushes glasses up*

Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.

In addition to those descriptors, Elon Musk is also the potentate of this dilapidated husk of a celestial body we call our residence. Mr. Musk’s intellect is quite beyond what an earthling mind can comprehend. If we supplanted the average room temperature IQ ignoramus in Mr. Musk’s position, I’m positive that they would instantaneously implode, overwhelmed by the plenitude of responsibilities a man of his stature possesses.

What I truly admire about Mr. Musk is the way he pulled himself up by his bootstraps. The masterful way he was born into an emerald mine-owning household is absolutely commendable. His breathtaking strategy of buying into Tesla and ousting the original founders is indubitably inspiring. His transformative takeover of X, formerly known as Twitter, and subsequent razing of the corporation is what motivates me to rouse from my slumber in the forenoon.

Of course, Mr. Musk has his peculiarities, such as his bizarre interrelations with the women in his life; however, that is to be expected from a once in a millennium prodigy, though I wouldn’t expect his lowbrow detractors to understand such a complex concept. A handful of unsavory utterances here and there is moot before a mental giant capable of single-handedly bringing humanity to the next step in evolution: intergalactic travel.

Mr. Musk exemplifies the sanctity of a consummate handful of individuals dominating the social hierarchy. Just as primordial deities reigned supreme in antiquity, extant celebrities preside over our ignoble society.

The beautiful musicality of Taylor Swift, the artistic genius of Kanye West and the innovative masterfulness of Elon Musk prove that the gods of the past are now ancient relics ready to be tossed in the garbage. Modern society doesn’t need to pray to false idols. Now, ordinary folk should worship the true divinity in the celebrities that exist alongside them.